And on the ninth day, God cured constipation by drinking Roundup Ready Pesticides, aspartame sweetener and Mid-East Oil and out came a Republican.

God Said, I need somebody willing to set everyone’s schedules, scare lost souls into obedience on morning radio, wear a neck tie, lock their car doors when within 50 yards of a black person, someone who never went to war yet arms themselves for the revolution they pray never comes so their 401k goes undisturbed, who call the cops because of excessive noise, hates drugs yet pop pills from Big Pharma, go to church and then secretly masturbate to their suppressed fantasies, so God made a Republican.

God said, I need someone who can turn the perfection of mother nature into a genetically modified cesspool of smog filled production in the name of free-market capitalism while sending lobbyist to Washington. I need someone who bombs for freedom to protect the sanctity of Sunday football, who will call the tow truck if you park in the grass, who will complain about handouts after inheriting a fortune from his dad, who find tax loopholes and talk about giving back to the community. So God made a Republican.

God said, “I need someone hypocritical enough to talk about liberty yet incarcerate citizens for non-violent crimes, start wars under false pretenses financed through inflation and credit cards who will preach fiscal responsibility and conservatism while fracking our way to gas and contaminated water in the name of liberty and will do so knowing full well it’s to support an illusionary global monetary system who’s soul purpose is to destroy all natural resources as efficiently as possible and call those who oppose the corporate structure a communist, fascist, tree hugging hippy satanist who is lazy. So God made a Republican.

God said, “We need someone to preach small government while begging for more cops, larger military, guilty-until-proven innocent wiretapping declared war on the American people in the name of terrorism to protect all that is holy and 15% off. It had to be the type of person that knew how to lose an election to someone who had just run up more debt than any of the previous United States Presidents combined, implement standardized testing, detested centralized government except for drug laws, abortion rights, gay marriage and who lectured about FEMA relief until a Hurricane took the wrong turn, who preached against handouts unless it is to foreign nations, who refused to negotiate with others who did not adhere to their liberty-minded spirit and who yapped on about the sanctity of marriage unless it was their own and who raised their kids to hate them because they were always at work or the golf course or the bar and never at home. So God made a Republican.